


Please Don't Have Feathers

by catisacat



Category: Borderlands
Genre: Alien Biology, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 11:41:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8012308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catisacat/pseuds/catisacat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mordecai finally starts going out with Zer0 but Lilith and Brick start to give him some serious concerns when they find out he hasn't seen under that helmet yet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Please Don't Have Feathers

**Author's Note:**

> I'm trying so hard to get out of my writer's block and I found his half-finished in my drafts folder so I completed it. \o/

Mordecai was no stranger to the mockery Vault Hunters subjected each other to but was irritated anyways that it had grown tenfold over the past few months.

After nearly half a year of awkwardly not being sure if Zer0’s intentions were romantic or not Mordecai had just straightforwardly asked them out. A major relief to put a bullet in that long suffering beast.

Their only response had been to flash a bright “<3” at him as they accepted his offer.

Sanctuary’s a small place, it was an exceptionally short amount of time before the other Vault Hunters figured out that things had changed between their snipers.

Lilith had all but raced Brick to find Mordecai. A scratchy noise of distress was muffled by the thick arms crushing the emaciated man’s midsection, lifting him off the ground with far too much ease. Brick’s voice was full of mirthful delight as Mordy dangled helplessly off the ground, “Somebody’s got himself a beau!”

“An’ I’m sure you’ve got a lot of obnoxious things to say about that. Can I at least be on the ground for them?” Mordecai griped as it became obvious that going deadweight on the massive man wasn’t affording him any freedom.

Lilith trotted over, panting slightly from trying to outrun a dude nearly two feet taller than her. She doubled over for a second before tilting her head up to make her joke, “You’re both… so twiggy… I bet you start fires… when you’re doin’ it!”

“Ha! Good one, Lil,” Brick smirked, trapping the sniper under one arm while he raised the other for a high five. Well, it was more of a mid-five for him so Lilith could reach. Regardless, the Siren slapped him five as hard as one can while trying to catch their breath.

“Ha ha,” the sniper mumbled as he swung in the air, “Can you put me down, now?”

The second his feet hit the ground he felt the urge to run but his friend was too fast for him, trapping him with a tattoo’d arm around his shoulder as she prodded a finger into his chest, “So, how is it?”

“What?” he asked, trying to pry his bony fingers into her arm enough to regain his freedom.

Her grip only tightened though as she started steering him towards the headquarters, “You know what I mean. It. Doin’ the do. Bony boning. What’re they packing under that armored bodysuit?”

It’s a good thing he wears goggles because he rolled his eyes so hard they nearly fell out of his head, “Really? You’re really gonna ask me that?”

He resisted being shoved up the stairs but a massive hand grabbing his waistband started hauling him up them. Brick smirked widely, ”Oh you KNEW we were gonna ask.”

Mordecai sighed as he let them march him out to the balcony to look out at the town at their own private leisure. He was mildly less irritated at the two as Brick popped off the cap of a bottle of Rakk ale with his bare hands and held it out to the hunter. It was gone in a second.

“Okay, so how many of these is it going to take to get that information out of you?” Lilith chirped, waving her own bottle at him.

He handed the already empty bottle to Brick who simply chucked it at the dumpster below. It shattered against the wall, shards falling behind it. Whatever, close enough.

Mordecai reached for a second that the Siren jerked out of his reach, “Nuh-uh, buddy, I want details before you get another one of these bad boys.”

“Ain’t nothing to tell,” he answered somewhat reluctantly, making a grabby motion with his hand for the bottle, “Never seen ‘em out of their suit let alone done anythin’ to ‘em. You’ve got as good a guess as me to what’s under there. Also, why the fuck’d I’d tell you even if I did know?”

There was a moment of awkward silence as the other two deflated a bit. They’d been looking forward to dragging the information out of him. The filthy, sordid alien and/or robot and/or ????? sex details. Hell, they would have settled for at least knowing what was under the helmet.

“Then… what’re you doing up in that sniper nest?” Lilith finally replied.

“None of your business?”

“You’re killin’ us here, Mordy,” Brick warned, pushing the box full of booze behind him.

Lilith noticed Zer0 flitting around a few rooftops away, unaware they were being observed. The other two started watching them too as they stopped and seemed to be listening for something. She jabbed a finger at them, “Oh come on, you’ve gotta be curious what is under there.”

“No shit,” he snipped as she finally relinquished the second bottle to him, “But they don’t really seem to want to and they kinda tend to run away if they’re uncomfortable. An’ I don't mean that in a figurative way. They literally will run away and hole up god knows where if I try too get too close too quick.”

“Pff, didn’t you have the same issue when you first found Bloodwing?” Lilith said, observing the still silent alien staring at the sky opposite of them. She was constantly bracing herself for their head to whip around and notice them, an intimidating mental picture, “They’re kind of animal-y in general do you ever worry… well there’s no way to word this delicately. Do you ever kinda worry what’s under there? I mean, they’re humanoid but who knows what’s under there.”

Brick laughed heartily, loud enough the other two were surprised Zer0 didn’t hear that. He smirked, “What if they’re a bird alien?”

Lilith lit up like a fireworks show as she started shaking Mordecai a little, “Oh my god, yes! What if they’ve got feathers crushed under that helmet? God, you could probably pass off Talon as your baby. Come to think of it they perch on things like a giant bird too. I mean, case in point.”

Mordecai’s face twisted uncomfortably as he looked out at Zer0 crouching in the distance while Lilith pointed accusingly at them. He honestly had always assumed they’d look like the aliens in the movies. Grey skin, giant black eyes, missing a few facial features maybe. He’d braced himself for that but, oh god, what if they WERE essentially a giant bird?

The whispers of Sanctuary’s normal citizens are loud and he knew damn well there were already a ton of townsfolk who make crude jokes about him being intimate with his feathered companion, Talon. Fuck knows how rampant that rumor would get if Zer0 was revealed to be a massive, squawking bird person. Also he genuinely only wants a bird on his arm in the most platonic way possible.

As in on cue Zer0’s head jerked up in the distance, having caught the sound they were waiting for. Talon swooped down, landing neatly on their outstretched arm.

Mordecai’s panic tripled as the bird looked at him and screeched, Zer0’s helmet turning quickly to look at his boyfriend too. As if he understood what the creature had said to him. They benignly smiled, the glowing red “:D” visible even from this distance.

The group waved back for a second before the two aliens disappeared behind a rooftop, up to god knows what.

As the other two turned to face him Mordecai quickly bolted back down the stairs. They looked at each other, obviously trying not to laugh as he poked his head back in. He gathered up about three bottles of the forgotten Rakk ale, pointing one at them, “I’m taking these ‘cause you guys are assholes.”

At that he disappeared again, now on a mission to try to tactfully figure out how to get Zer0 to show him what’s under that suit.

Not even in a sexy way, just in a desperate bid to see anything but feathers.

\---

The next week passed normally, albeit Mordecai avoiding his friends like the plague. They’d taken to making bird noises at him. Immature. Also, confusing Talon who just screamed back whenever they did it.

He was racking his brain trying to figure out how to get Zer0 to at least remove the helmet.

Normally he found himself quite comfortable in the little bedroom they’d built up there but he’d realized the piles of pillows and blankets filling the small room was uncomfortably close to a nest. Talon curled up next to Zer0 only magnified that.

The cold material of their helmet resting against the crux of his neck wasn’t a comfort anymore.

“Hey, would you, uh, like to borrow somethin’ a lil’ more comfortable? Feel kinda bad that you don’t have any pajamas or anything. Ya don’t sleep a lot but… it’d be better, right?” Yeah it was all half-lies in an attempt to see their face but it was really driving him nuts by this point.

Thankfully they didn’t try to get up and run but their answer isn’t what he wanted to hear, “I’m comfortable / You do not need to worry / My suit protects me.”

Mordecai wasn’t sure what to make of that statement. It could be a paranoid response to the fact this planet is bursting at the seams with guns and violence. However, it could just as easily be that they COULDN’T survive without it. He hadn’t thought about that. Fuck.

But he knew he couldn’t stop now, especially as Talon looked up at that and Zer0 mirrored the bird’s head tilt. God, Mordecai had to know, had to be sure. Before he got any more attached.

He took a chance on it being the first. Paranoid, not lethal. “We’re pretty safe up here. Highest point on a floating city really doesn’t see a lot of combat.”

“That’s not what I meant,” they replied, immediately dropping a heavy stone of guilt into Mordecai’s stomach, “It’s bright lights and loud noises / They hurt my senses. My planet is dark / Our guns are silent killers / Here? Not so much, though.”

It was honestly the first time he’d ever heard Zer0 refer to their home planet or even acknowledge that they were an alien.

He wrestled with himself for a second before deciding to keep pushing, just a miniscule amount more, “We can turn down the lights, make it real cozy-like.”

“You are curious,” Zer0 abruptly stated, causing Mordy a miniature heart attack, “I’m not stupid, Mordecai / I know what you want. Humans always ask / I suspected it would be… / An issue, at least.”

The silence was thundering but that’s not something that’ll stop a half-drunk Mordecai who just asked, “... well?”

“Why?”

“What?”

“Why suddenly care? / It has been a few weeks now / Never pressed before. You friends are being… / Weird to me, to say the least / So what has happened?” Zer0 said. The jury’s still out if Mordecai is impressed by Zer0 weird borderline omnipotence or terrified of it but right now it was leaning much more towards the latter.

“They just… damn it…” Mordecai swore, grabbing at the never forgotten bottle behind him and taking a huge swig before continuing, “They just… I’m just kinda worried what’s under there.”

He felt Zer0 immediately tense up but managed to grab their wrist before they could make a run for it. They flopped harmlessly back into the soft pile of pillows and blankets with a small, scratchy shriek of protest.

Zer0’s blank helmet turned towards Mordecai and just stared at him, still waiting for an explanation for this erratic behavior.

Mordecai sighed, “Look, Lilith and Brick figured out we’re dating because when you put ‘em together they’ve got a whole brain between ‘em. Then they asked what you looked like, I said I don’t know and also none of your business.”

Zer0 continued to stare.

He groaned this time, continuing, “Aaand they started hypothesizing about what’s under there and saw you with Talon and were like ‘hurr durr what if they’re a bird person and got feathers burr gurr I’m Brick and Lilith and I suck.’ And I’m just freaked out about that now.”

“Thought you liked birds though.”

Not the most comforting thing Zer0 could have said.

“Not to fuckin’ date!” Mordecai spat, the echoes of the rumors resounding in his mind.

He immediately felt bad watching Zer0 crumple up defensively at the outburst. God, shit, what if they did have feathers and now he’s just yelling at them about it like a drunk asshole. He started trying to decide if that was something he could live with.

Before he could make up his mind Zer0 spoke again, “Do you really want to know?”

Mordecai paused for a second before answering, “Yeah, shit, I’m sorry.”

“I guess I have to,” Zer0 said, discomfort evident even with their monotone voice. They started hooking a couple long fingers under the helmet to remove it.

They didn’t make it far before Mordecai quickly grabbed their hand, stopping them and letting it fall back into place with a confused, crackly noise from Zer0. Mordecai groaned again, louder and longer, “Gah, fuck, shit, goddamn. Okay, no, you don’t have to. Just… just do you have feathers, yes or no? Don’t gotta see. I trust you. Just tell me.”

It was Zer0’s turn to pause, asking carefully, “If I did, you’d stay?”

Mordecai clawed for an answer before spitting, “Man, I would fuckin’ try to…”

It was enough of an answer for Zer0, “I do not have them.”

Mordecai breathed a huge sigh of relief, collapsing back into the pillows, “Oh thank god. No feathers. Fuck, that’s the best news I’ve heard in my life. Shit.”

He stayed like that for a second before feeling a heavy weight on his lap. Confused as he touched the cold material of the foreign object. He pushed himself up and looked at it, jaw dropping as he realized what it was.

The helmet nearly fell off his lap as Mordecai jerked his head up to look at Zer0’s exposed face. Four bright red pupiless eyes stared back from a shiny black carapace not unlike the object in his hands.

Mordecai’s face twisted into a wide smile, “Well, would’ja look at that. No feathers AND cute as a button. Looks like I hit the fuckin’ jackpot.”

Zer0’s stiff face remained unflinching as the helmet still resting on Mordecai’s lap flashed a bright red :D up at him.

He grabbed a bony alien arm and put it around his own thin shoulders before nuzzling up against their pointy armor. Zer0 spoke, jarring Mordecai with the fact it wasn’t a haiku as well the the fact their mouth very clearly wasn’t moving, “The truth, though. Would you have stayed? If I had feathers.”

“Yeah, but shit man, it wouldn’t be easy. Gotta draw the line in the sand somewhere.”

There was a long, comfortable silence for a few minutes. For a second Mordecai thought Zer0 had actually fallen asleep for once.

However Zer0 spoke once more, “I do reproduce by laying eggs though.”

Mordecai let out a strangled, “What?”

\---

Lilith’s loud, squawking imitation of a bird rattled aggressively around Mordecai’s hung over skull while misplaced cheeps from Brick sounded from the other room.

“Oh look, our favorite lil’ birdman came home to roost,” Lilith chirped, “What, too busy getting your feathery freak on?”

Mordecai shot her a glare from behind his goggles, immediately regretting his decision to return to his friends.

“No feathers.”

Lilith was about to make some raunchy joke about him not getting laid before catching his actual meaning, “Wait, oh my god did you actually get to see what was under there?!”

“Yeah, I did.”

Brick appeared like a 7’3”, 323 lbs ninja, grabbing Mordecai and lifting him off the ground and shaking him yelling the completely intelligent words: “Shit, man!”

Lilith jumped up and joined the shaking of jubilation, “Spill it, Mordecai! What’s under there?!”

“None ya fuckin’ business. Other than the fact there ain’t no feathers or a beak or nothin’. Just alien shit. Nice, normal alien shit.”

This didn’t stop the other two from tormenting him a few minutes, Brick dangling him like a pinata while Lilith prodded at him. He remained stalwart though, refusing to disclose any information about Zer0’s appearance.

They eventually relented, accepting that it was going to remain a mystery. At least for now.

Meanwhile Mordecai was wondering what the fuck he was gonna do if him and Zer0 ever decide to have kids because Lilith and Brick sure as hell weren’t going to accept ‘they’re like reptile eggs, not bird eggs!’ as an answer.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, not the best at describing aliens, so here's my drawing of suitless Zer0 again: http://catisacat.tumblr.com/post/136427775667/second-and-significantly-better-attempt-at-a


End file.
